Regret
by renascence
Summary: Kyoya regrets everything. 4th in the Love series. TamaKyo. Contains mentions of self-harm. Review please!


**A/N** : The 4th installment of the 'Love' series.

 **Warnings** : mentions of self-harm

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own OHSHC.

 _Regret: to feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over something that has happened or been done._

* * *

 **Regret**

Kyoya stared at the torn clothing. Looking over to his left he noted with faint remorse that he had acted recklessly. Tamaki's leftover clothes lay on top of each other as Kyoya fought back tears to throw them all away.

His arm throbbed. He had cut too deep over the scarred skin. Looking down at his arm, he noted he would need to clean it before it got infected.

Why did he do this?

Why did he react so… _harshly_ to Tamaki's absence? It wasn't Tamaki's fault he didn't want to be around the boy, Kyoya didn't want to be around himself either.  
Kyoya could understand Tamaki's reasoning. He had promised he wouldn't _do_ this. He promised Tamaki that he wouldn't hurt him like this.

But he did.

Now Kyoya had no one to blame but himself and if he wasn't careful, he could lose more than what he's already lost. But how much would that be? How much could he stand to lose? Looking over the mess, Kyoya duly noted that he had to pick up Tamaki's- _no_ \- the ruined clothing and then work from there.

He didn't want anyone to see this. Anyone to see him right now. He would never live it down.

A flash of pain caused Kyoya to look down at his arms and he bit back a sob. His arms were painted in angry slashes that contrasted greatly with its pale canvas.

Why had he done it?

This was why Tamaki didn't want him anymore. He was reckless and useless.

He had no worth.

Kyoya went to picking up the clothing while ignoring the burning in his arms.

He deserved it.

As he placed the last pieces of what was once Tamaki's shirt, a small drop of blood hit the grey carpet. Kyoya bit his lip as he looked for something in his line of vision to stop the bleeding. He reached over to a neglected towel and wrapped his arm in the cloth. He knew it would have been wise to use the torn shirt since it was already in shreds, which would help isolate the cuts but Kyoya could bear the thought of it. His chest throbbed in pain as he thought back to the blonde.

He wished he did more to fight his urges to cut. He unwrapped the cloth after a few presses to the cuts, in a desperate need for the blood to start clotting. Breathing slowly Kyoya made his way to his bathroom and turned on the faucet. The clear water splashed against the beautifully designed sink. He had to clean himself up and fix this…situation. He reached for a washcloth and dabbed the dry material in water.

The stinging in his arm got worse once it hit the cloth. Biting back a sob Kyoya gingerly pressed the cloth against the wounds until the stinging had faded some. His knees buckled once the familiar sting of anxiety bubbled up to the surface.

How was he going to fix this?

He looked over at the tub, stained by _his_ blood. What was he going to tell his father if he caught wind of it? What about the carpet?

Most importantly how was he going to talk to Tamaki? Tamaki may not want to hear him much less be in the same room as him. The blonde had been ignoring him and Kyoya didn't have the heart to tell him what he did to the Club.

Oh, god.

The Host Club. Kyoya let out a sob as he sat hunched over on the bathroom floor. He deleted the file. He permanently deleted all records of the club's finances.

He really messed up.

His stomach lurched painfully at the thought of the club being shut down. All the time he had spent building its customer base, finances, marketing, Kyoya knew he couldn't get back.

Why had he done it? Taken something so delicate and still so independent and demolished it because he got his feelings hurt.

Because Kyoya couldn't stand being ignored. He ruined it all and regretted it so deeply.

Kyoya cried for the rest of the night.

* * *

Tamaki walked briskly to homeroom determined to make it there on time. The blonde hastily made it to the front door of Ouran when he realized he had less than 5 minutes to get to class.

He was ashamedly running through the halls when his time decreased to 3 minutes. He wasn't in the mood for charming girls nor Nozaki-sensei. Today just wasn't a good day. Something he could blame himself for. He overslept and took too long in the shower before he realized he would be late to homeroom.

He internally scowled at himself in disdain when he thought how messed up his hair must be. The last thing he wanted for the day was to look disheveled _and_ tardy. It was bad enough with what Kyoya did.

He promised him he wouldn't hurt himself like that and what does he find him do? Kyoya didn't try to apologize or call after Tamaki when the blonde left his home.

Kyoya gave up and nothing angered the blonde more than that.

But it didn't make Tamaki feel any better ignoring Kyoya. Ignoring his pained stare and making excuses to get out of possibly sitting near the raven-haired boy.

Kyoya was genuinely hurt by Tamaki's alienation.

"Ah, Nozaki-sensei! Suoh-san is here!", he heard Akane uttered. The blonde whipped out a charming smile at both women.

"Nozaki-sensei you look stunning today and as do you Akane-chan."

They swooned and Tamaki ran a hand through his hair before making his way to his desk.

He made it just in time for the class roster check.

The movement made to the right of Kyoya pulled him out of his thoughts. His breath left his lungs when he saw Tamaki. He rubbed his now bandaged arm underneath his uniform shirt as he waited for Tamaki to lower his schoolbag and settle in. He would try to talk to the boy when he knew Tamaki would be less likely to flee.

He couldn't bear the thought of Tamaki avoiding him when he was right next to him.

The blonde could feel eyes on him and he fought the urge to look over to his left. He knew it was Kyoya. After all, he was still mad at him and the last thing he wanted to do what make Kyoya believe he wasn't mad. He didn't want to be lied to any longer, disrespected, or mistreated.

What made it so hard for Kyoya to come to him for help? After the beach trip, Kyoya seemed genuinely honest about coming to him. He was doing well with voicing his feelings to Tamaki until it just seemed to stop when he walked in on Kyoya cutting.

Since then Kyoya looked normal and completely unaffected like he had no remorse for lying to Tamaki. The only time Tamaki thought Kyoya showed a trace of sadness was when Tamaki began to forcibly distance himself.

When Tamaki was on his way to class- a class that he would normally intersect with Kyoya- he turned the opposite way. The other day in homeroom Tamaki switched seats with one his classmates because he didn't want to be around Kyoya.

It didn't mean he didn't love Kyoya. It just made it difficult for him to want to be around the Shadow King.

"Tamaki."

The blonde bit back a sigh and looked over at Kyoya. The raven-haired beauty didn't have a hair out of place.

"Kyoya. Look, I –."

"I apologize for the other day." Kyoya lowered his voice, "I would like to speak to you in private if you would give me the chance."

The blonde cleared his throat. Kyoya took that as a good sign to continue. "Does before lunch work? Or after classes?" Did his eyes always look so…dull and he hadn't noticed?

"After class." He looked at Kyoya quickly before staring at the floor.

Kyoya nodded briefly, "Thank you Tamaki." He reached over in his bag and pulled out his familiar black notebook.

Tamaki frowned but didn't say anything. Deep down he knew he shouldn't feel so ..angry. He didn't like being curt to Kyoya nor did he like ignoring him. But what if Kyoya lied to him again? Or worse, he never stopped hurting himself even after Tamaki found out.

Despite his moodiness Tamaki did try to find it in his heart to go about the day without thinking about the pair of sad brownish-grey eyes.

It didn't work out so well.

* * *

As Kyoya rounded the corner with his school books in hand he met Tamaki outside of his last class. He realized a few hours after their conversation that he neglected to give the blonde a specific location. After seeing him so.. _short_ with Kyoya, he couldn't stomach carrying on the conversation.

He nervously ran a hand down the spine of his history book and breathed slowly. He could feel his arm practically tingling with anxiety and his fingers itching to scratch his cuts through the bandaging. No. He couldn't do that.

It took a lot of willpower on Kyoya's end not to run to the bathroom and take out his scissors, bang his wrists on the edges of the porcelain sink, or worse fall to the floor and sob.

He had a reputation to maintain and he wasn't going to do that by acting like a child because he couldn't handle talking to Tamaki.

And he still had to figure out how he was going to tell the blonde about the Host Club's finance records.

The torn clothing..

"Kyoya?" A pair of violet eyes looked him over. The class had just let out and as students poured out Tamaki walked up to him.

He blinked and straightened up. He swallowed nervously and grabbed Tamaki's hand without thinking.

He led him further down the hallway until they were passed the stairwell and outside. Students rarely went down this way, since it was a remote area that held no activities, lockers, people. It was deserted.

Tamaki took in Kyoya's nervous appearance as the boy in front of him let go of his hand. Kyoya adjusted his glasses before he looked down at his own hands.

"I want you to know that I am trying to stop. It's hard because I've never felt a need to stop. I don't know how to express certain emotions accurately and if something is new or challenging I immediately go to cutting." He felt his face burn as he fought back tears.

"But then why not come to me first?"

"I..I'm not as strong as you are regarding emotions. I'm not good at expressing them the way you are Tamaki. I don't want you to know I'm.." Kyoya stopped, biting down on his lower lip.

"You're afraid of showing emotion in front of me?" Tamaki asked gently. His eyes tightened in concern as he placed a hand on Kyoya's arm.

"..Y-yes. It's bad enough that I ..I am unable to cope with certain …situations." Kyoya sounded out carefully, "but I do love you." He looked up at the blonde with tears threatening to fall.

"I don't want you to hurt yourself because you feel you can't talk to me when something hurts you mon amour." Kyoya felt tears fall down his cheeks as he looked away from the blonde.

"What if I can't?" He felt his breath catch in his throat.

"What do you mean?" Tamaki eyes widened he moved his hand to brush a few tears from Kyoya's face.

"I don't think I can promise you that I won't hurt myself Tamaki. It feels out of my control. But I haven't hurt myself in ..," Kyoya looked at his arm, "almost 20 hours."

"Can I see it? Your arm I mean?" Tamaki gestured to his arm concerned still clear on his face. He hoped the damage wasn't too bad. He lowered his school bag to the ground before turning over to Kyoya.

"..Okay." Kyoya breathed slowly as he took off his blazer and Tamaki took it and laid it across his own school bag. His hands started to shake as he unbuttoned his sleeve.

"May I?" Tamaki carefully peeled back the sleeve as he came across the white bandage. His fingers ghosted over the white cloth, barely touching it.

Tamaki began to unwind the cloth as he got closer he noticed Kyoya's arm began to shake. "Kyoya ..if you don't want me to-"

"No! Go ahead, please." Kyoya nodded wiping back his own tears.

Tamaki unwrapped the rest of his arm and nearly cried at what he saw. The boy's arm was littered in all types of cuts with most of the larger cuts being opened up over past scars.

"K-Kyoya.." Tamaki's breath caught as he touched one of the larger cuts. The boy next to him sobbed as he watched the blonde inspect his arm. This was all Kyoya's fault and he didn't know what else to do.

But on the bright side at least the blonde didn't just get up and leave him as he had inspected him to.

"You'll be okay Kyoya." Tamaki lift his hand up and ran it down Kyoya's back soothingly. "Things will be okay."

But that didn't stop Kyoya from falling to the ground in an undignified slump as he tried to control his sobs. It was bad enough that Tamaki saw just how messed up he was but now he couldn't control his crying in front of him as well? He closed his eyes in sadness.

God, he really was weak.

"Shh. We'll be okay, alright? I'm not going to leave you or anything like that Kyoya. I love you and we _will_ be okay." Tamaki sat on his knees across from Kyoya holding his hands.

Kyoya felt two thumbs pushing his tears away. He looked up and saw Tamaki give him a sad smile.

"It will get better Kyoya. Please tell me you believe me." He leaned over to kiss the boy's forehead. How could he tell Tamaki what he did, when the blonde was being so _sweet_ to him?

"I-I ruined the club." Kyoya cried out. He looked over waiting for Tamaki to respond to his claim.

"You didn't ruin the Host Club Kyoya. I'm not sure how you came to that idea."

"I deleted the files..all of them. I erased everything we work so hard on and now we have nothing! It's all my fault and I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" Kyoya rushed out as he closed his eyes. He didn't mention the torn clothing he had to discard the night before.

"…Kyoya, it's okay. It's fine, it doesn't matter." Tamaki grabbed Kyoya's hands in an effort to pull him up. They couldn't sit on the ground much longer. Tamaki didn't want either Kyoya's or his pants to get more dirt on them. Kyoya raise his legs up and carefully let go of Tamaki's hands.

"It does matter! I messed up and you're not even upset about it? Tamaki we spent a-a lot of time building up the club and I _messed_ it up! I ruined our profits!" Kyoya shouted. He looked heartbreakingly anguished and angry at Tamaki. He looked at Kyoya seriously.

"We can start from the beginning. We still have customers, we have hosts, and we have a room. We can do it all over again." He stated calmly.

"Why aren't you angry!? I _fucked_ up and you still don't see anything wrong with that?" Kyoya clenched his fists tightly to his side.

Tamaki grabbed one of his boyfriend's fists and kissed the knuckles. "You're more important than any club Kyoya. Your health is more important than the Host Club. I could never be so angry with you that I hold a grudge against you."

Kyoya still didn't look convinced by the blonde. "You'll resent me soon enough."

Tamaki frowned, "I could never resent you Kyoya."

Kyoya jerked his hand out of Tamaki's grasp and looked for his bandage that was discarded. "But you'll regret meeting me once it sinks in what I did." The boy grabbed his school blazer and his schoolbag. He had to get out of the hallway, he couldn't breathe.

He couldn't handle seeing Tamaki's saddened face again. He couldn't take Tamaki's optimistic bullshit about 'starting over'. If he hadn't messed up none of this would have happened. He glanced at Tamaki silently before turning to leave the empty hallway.

"I don't 'regret' anything Kyoya and neither should you." Tamaki soft voice hit Kyoya like a ton of bricks. "Your health is more important than anything else. You should care more about yourself."

The boy in front of him didn't move and Tamaki took that opportunity to move in closer. His heart ached for Kyoya. How could someone really hate themselves so much?

"Have you considered talking to someone? A professional? I could go with you! I could help you search for one."

"I don't need to see a therapist."

"You do if you hurt yourself like this Kyoya. I'm not okay with you doing this and I'm sure you aren't either. You are so _unhappy_ all of the time and I think that it-."

"That it's what?" Kyoya whispered.

"It's serious. Talking to someone could help ease some of your stress." The blonde could feel the lump in his throat grow.

"…"

"At the very least please consider it. I love you and it would break my heart if something happened to you," Tamaki's voice cracked, "If you went too far one day..."

"Okay." Tamaki smiled even though he felt tears fall down his cheeks. He wrapped his arms around Kyoya and hugged him closely burying his head in the boy's shoulder. Kyoya felt himself wrap his arms around the boy in front of him without much thought.

"..Thank you Kyoya." The blonde's voice sounded so happy, so _genuine_ that Kyoya made a mental note of it. He needed to remember this, this feeling of having Tamaki so close to him. He could feel Tamaki's warmth hold him in place. It was a wonderful feeling having Tamaki's arms circle him. It sent pleasant sparks down his back and out his arms.

If only Tamaki could take away the guilt he still felt buried so deep inside his chest.

Kyoya wanted to stay in Tamaki's arms for the rest of his life if he was honest.

He would regret none of it.

* * *

 **A/N** : Remember to review! I haven't written in almost two years so thank you for reading this.


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